dealing with anxiety

If you have no desire to read about all of my 'fun' health issues, STOP reading now!!! If you decide that you want to know what I deal with, Welcome!! I've debated writing this for a really long time, and decided it time to tell people how I really feel. I started having anxiety/panic attacks when I was around 21, but I've dealt with depression for longer. I just didn't know it was actually a serious thing. I have been on a lot of different medications for it, which is lame, because the doctor put me on something that caused me to be really nauseous all the time, I mean I was sick to my stomach 24/7, I lost over 20 pounds in less than 2 months, the doctor put me on ANOTHER medication to subside the side effects of the first one. And another to help with my insomnia. I think I was taking 4-5 different pills a day and none of them did anything except give me negative side effects. So I went to a different doctor and he took me off of everything and put me on Lexapro(which was amazing). But I gained 40 pounds and hated my body, plus family members(you will remain unnamed) were giving me a hard time about my weight which was understandable. Fast forward a couple of years, I have been on Paxil for a couple of months, but like all meds I have to cut the lowest dose in half or else I get extremely shaky and nervous, I can't concentrate, I'm dizzy. But a half pill is perfect, except I have depression extremely bad. As in I have to call into work because I just can't function. Which brings on another health issue. Agoraphobia. I always thought it was just a phobia where you couldn't leave your house. Nope. I understand it now because I am reading The Agoraphobia Workbook- C Alec Pollard & Elke Zuercher-White. It all makes sense to me now. Like say I were to have a panic attack(which usually is where I am extremely nauseous, dizzy, sweating like none other, yet shivering/shaking, I feel like I have no control over my body) in a store, or a camping(that is a popular one for me). Then I am going to avoid that place from then on, that's what agoraphobia is. And it gets to where people start having attacks in lots of different places and so they avoid those places. I was reading how a lady had them when ever she was driving on the freeway or in a grocery store, so she avoided doing those things, then over time she would stay home always, except to go to therapy(which she could walk to). Reading this book puts everything into perspective now. It all makes perfect sense. Now I understand what my uncle went through. And why my grandma was the way she was(though technically she was never medically diagnosed and she had severe depression and insomnia along with restless legs, which is all from the Beatty family, so if I curse the Beatty family now again on facebook, you'll know why). See, whenever we go camping(and I think this is more from my childhood), I FREAK out. Not a little freak but a big FREAK OUT!!! I have the hardest time packing and just leaving the house. Once I am on the mountain, I'm ok, till it gets dark, then if I don't have a hot water bottle to keep me warm, a cup of calming tea, a Xanax and a few other luxuries, I am so miserable. I know nothing is going to happen, but my mind can't comprehend that. I end up shaking uncontrollably and throwing up. My mom has told me she'd rather I just went home before dark than see me go through that. So camping is one thing that I really need to work on because we love camping. The next BIG trigger is when the whole family is home. Where we have kids everywhere, screaming, crying, yelling, running around, nosy people(really they aren't, but I am a super private person, I still can't just bring up the fact that I pierced my belly button to just anyone, even thought I love it). For some reason I just get really nervous when I'm around that many people in such a small house. So I tend to just sleep in or go somewhere on my own when everyone is around. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my family so much it hurts, but I can only handle them in small doses. So if your at my house and I'm not around, don't take offense, I love you, but I need my space for a little while. So just within the last year, it's gotten worse. I have attacks at work, which sucks because I really need my job, and its nice because the people I work for are extremely understanding. I like being able to talk to my bosses and tell them how I feel or why. Whenever there is some natural or unnatural disaster I worry. When the Boston marathon bombing happened, I was so worried because the Iron Man was like two weeks later here in Southern Utah. My friend lives in Arkansas and was talking about the tornado warning last week, I had a dream that I was a work here and we had a tornado and those kinds of dreams scare me to death. Or while we had family members in Oklahoma when that tornado hit last week, I worried like crazy till I knew they were home safe. I worry about everyone and anything. I have a picture of a super hero and on it say's "Anxiety Girl- able to jump to the worst conclusion in a single bound" and thats true for me. A lot of the time, I can hide it, but some family members or friends know the signs of when I am struggling. Off of that topic, now that summer is here and I have no A/C in my room, I have horrible insomnia because I have to have a really cool room to sleep, but I can't sleep when I have a fan blowing on me. Yeah, I'm messed up, I know. So, all of this week I've had about 2-3 hours of sleep every night. Which this is like a chain, when I get little sleep and don't eat right, then my anxiety kicks in(that's why whenever I travel, I made sure I sleep in big time and that I eat a huge meal- which I usually have to force down). And then caffeine just makes it worse, so I hardly ever drink caffeine anymore, even though I enjoy a cherry coke once in a while it just can't be during some kind of event. This guy asked me why would I want kids if I can't even control myself(he thinks its more than it really is), he even went so far as to say I'd be a horrible mother. I want 2 kids. No more no less. ok, maybe 3 if their good. That was a blow to my self esteem. But I've just learned to ignore it. He's got his own problems. So here's what I've done to learn more about all of these things and know how to better cope. I've been reading more about them and how to handle the moment("oh, I feel horrible today, nothing is going right, I just wish this day would end... but hey I love this shirt I'm wearing/the sunset is absolutely gorgeous/wow, my flowers sure are beautiful right now"). It takes a few months to get your mind to start thinking differently, so don't expect any over night changes. I started going to the gym. Well, I started, then I stopped, but I will start going again soon(I hope, I'm not going to waste $10.60 a month). Instead of waiting for someone to try a new restaurant or store with me, heck with it, I'll go on my own. Nothing wrong with that. I'm an independent woman, I don't need someone making my decisions for me. Even though I still have no desire to go to movie theaters(horror stories- lice,etc) or concerts because really I have no interest in the Oak Ridge Boys or Brothers or whatever their name is. And seriously, if anyone has questions, ask. I hate when people just assume something. Seriously, any question isn't off limits. If it's too personal(which there are very few questions that I won't answer), I will answer with a basic but correct answer. I'm not afraid to talk about whatever, I just have a hard time bringing the topic up myself. Maybe I'll get emotional over something, but that is nothing compared to someone just assuming something totally different and judging me. Now you know sorta why I am the way I am. :) And now my blog is updated! lol