dealing with anxiety

If you have no desire to read about all of my 'fun' health issues, STOP reading now!!! If you decide that you want to know what I deal with, Welcome!! I've debated writing this for a really long time, and decided it time to tell people how I really feel. I started having anxiety/panic attacks when I was around 21, but I've dealt with depression for longer. I just didn't know it was actually a serious thing. I have been on a lot of different medications for it, which is lame, because the doctor put me on something that caused me to be really nauseous all the time, I mean I was sick to my stomach 24/7, I lost over 20 pounds in less than 2 months, the doctor put me on ANOTHER medication to subside the side effects of the first one. And another to help with my insomnia. I think I was taking 4-5 different pills a day and none of them did anything except give me negative side effects. So I went to a different doctor and he took me off of everything and put me on Lexapro(which was amazing). But I gained 40 pounds and hated my body, plus family members(you will remain unnamed) were giving me a hard time about my weight which was understandable. Fast forward a couple of years, I have been on Paxil for a couple of months, but like all meds I have to cut the lowest dose in half or else I get extremely shaky and nervous, I can't concentrate, I'm dizzy. But a half pill is perfect, except I have depression extremely bad. As in I have to call into work because I just can't function. Which brings on another health issue. Agoraphobia. I always thought it was just a phobia where you couldn't leave your house. Nope. I understand it now because I am reading The Agoraphobia Workbook- C Alec Pollard & Elke Zuercher-White. It all makes sense to me now. Like say I were to have a panic attack(which usually is where I am extremely nauseous, dizzy, sweating like none other, yet shivering/shaking, I feel like I have no control over my body) in a store, or a camping(that is a popular one for me). Then I am going to avoid that place from then on, that's what agoraphobia is. And it gets to where people start having attacks in lots of different places and so they avoid those places. I was reading how a lady had them when ever she was driving on the freeway or in a grocery store, so she avoided doing those things, then over time she would stay home always, except to go to therapy(which she could walk to). Reading this book puts everything into perspective now. It all makes perfect sense. Now I understand what my uncle went through. And why my grandma was the way she was(though technically she was never medically diagnosed and she had severe depression and insomnia along with restless legs, which is all from the Beatty family, so if I curse the Beatty family now again on facebook, you'll know why). See, whenever we go camping(and I think this is more from my childhood), I FREAK out. Not a little freak but a big FREAK OUT!!! I have the hardest time packing and just leaving the house. Once I am on the mountain, I'm ok, till it gets dark, then if I don't have a hot water bottle to keep me warm, a cup of calming tea, a Xanax and a few other luxuries, I am so miserable. I know nothing is going to happen, but my mind can't comprehend that. I end up shaking uncontrollably and throwing up. My mom has told me she'd rather I just went home before dark than see me go through that. So camping is one thing that I really need to work on because we love camping. The next BIG trigger is when the whole family is home. Where we have kids everywhere, screaming, crying, yelling, running around, nosy people(really they aren't, but I am a super private person, I still can't just bring up the fact that I pierced my belly button to just anyone, even thought I love it). For some reason I just get really nervous when I'm around that many people in such a small house. So I tend to just sleep in or go somewhere on my own when everyone is around. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my family so much it hurts, but I can only handle them in small doses. So if your at my house and I'm not around, don't take offense, I love you, but I need my space for a little while. So just within the last year, it's gotten worse. I have attacks at work, which sucks because I really need my job, and its nice because the people I work for are extremely understanding. I like being able to talk to my bosses and tell them how I feel or why. Whenever there is some natural or unnatural disaster I worry. When the Boston marathon bombing happened, I was so worried because the Iron Man was like two weeks later here in Southern Utah. My friend lives in Arkansas and was talking about the tornado warning last week, I had a dream that I was a work here and we had a tornado and those kinds of dreams scare me to death. Or while we had family members in Oklahoma when that tornado hit last week, I worried like crazy till I knew they were home safe. I worry about everyone and anything. I have a picture of a super hero and on it say's "Anxiety Girl- able to jump to the worst conclusion in a single bound" and thats true for me. A lot of the time, I can hide it, but some family members or friends know the signs of when I am struggling. Off of that topic, now that summer is here and I have no A/C in my room, I have horrible insomnia because I have to have a really cool room to sleep, but I can't sleep when I have a fan blowing on me. Yeah, I'm messed up, I know. So, all of this week I've had about 2-3 hours of sleep every night. Which this is like a chain, when I get little sleep and don't eat right, then my anxiety kicks in(that's why whenever I travel, I made sure I sleep in big time and that I eat a huge meal- which I usually have to force down). And then caffeine just makes it worse, so I hardly ever drink caffeine anymore, even though I enjoy a cherry coke once in a while it just can't be during some kind of event. This guy asked me why would I want kids if I can't even control myself(he thinks its more than it really is), he even went so far as to say I'd be a horrible mother. I want 2 kids. No more no less. ok, maybe 3 if their good. That was a blow to my self esteem. But I've just learned to ignore it. He's got his own problems. So here's what I've done to learn more about all of these things and know how to better cope. I've been reading more about them and how to handle the moment("oh, I feel horrible today, nothing is going right, I just wish this day would end... but hey I love this shirt I'm wearing/the sunset is absolutely gorgeous/wow, my flowers sure are beautiful right now"). It takes a few months to get your mind to start thinking differently, so don't expect any over night changes. I started going to the gym. Well, I started, then I stopped, but I will start going again soon(I hope, I'm not going to waste $10.60 a month). Instead of waiting for someone to try a new restaurant or store with me, heck with it, I'll go on my own. Nothing wrong with that. I'm an independent woman, I don't need someone making my decisions for me. Even though I still have no desire to go to movie theaters(horror stories- lice,etc) or concerts because really I have no interest in the Oak Ridge Boys or Brothers or whatever their name is. And seriously, if anyone has questions, ask. I hate when people just assume something. Seriously, any question isn't off limits. If it's too personal(which there are very few questions that I won't answer), I will answer with a basic but correct answer. I'm not afraid to talk about whatever, I just have a hard time bringing the topic up myself. Maybe I'll get emotional over something, but that is nothing compared to someone just assuming something totally different and judging me. Now you know sorta why I am the way I am. :) And now my blog is updated! lol

Um, there have been 17 views on my blog from Germany. I don't know anyone from Germany....?? Hmmm. Hope they like it! There's a Gary Allan song called Greenfields. That's what this picture reminds of. It's a good country song. I love every thing that he does! :)

Thanksgiving day we did family pictures. Here are a few. :)

Look, it's a walmart smiley. lol

Life is crazy. I am now officially a day shifter. Crazy work schedule. To be ready and at work I have to be up by 4 a.m. Thats when I used to go to bed. :( But it's going to worth it to be able to have a life now. And to be able to travel when and where I want to without having to fight to get friday night off. :) I miss the guys on 2nd shift, but I am excited to be meeting new people. Plus luckily most of my girls are on this shift so I have people to chill with on breaks. All in all it's a good move.

So, apparently it's been awhile since I've updated. I just haven't thought too much about it. What's been going on? Not much!! People moving out, people visiting, baptisms, new piercings, super busy at work, almost got the jeep paid off, etc. So basically life! :)

I have a ton of pictures to add, but I will probably never get around to it. lol! Sorry! But I am still alive! :)

All right, I guess I should update this. I don't have much to say. I'm just waiting for my fingernails to dry, painted them hot pink. :) The week before christmas I took TLO(temp. lay off), planned for 3 months, suppose to go back March 13th. Well, a lot happened in that time. After 3 weeks of vacation, being screwed over by unemployment, I decided to go back to work on the weekend shift. Totally different atmosphere. Getting up at 4 am so I could be at work by 5:30. And work 12 hours, but we really haven't been busy, so I haven't worked a full 12 hours. And it's been hard not being able to go to church. After being extremely inactive for the last year, I made a resolution to start going every sunday that I could. One sunday I couldn't go because it was the super bowl and everyone wanted to done by a certain time, so I couldn't leave, another sunday they had to be done by a certain to do some kind of work at the warehouse, so I couldn't leave. And I just decided it's only for a few more weeks, and if I can't get off early enough to go and not have to come back after sacrament meeting, then I'd just stay at work. Then they hit us with a little bomb, that we kinda have been waiting for, we are all surprised they waited so long. They decided to shut down the 2nd shift(which is where I was). All the areas but receiving, and gave us all 3 choices for where we wanted to go. I chose an area on first shift as my first choice, one on weekends as my second choice and as my very last choice I chose receiving second shift(my old shift), I was hoping with everything that I wouldn't get that because receiving is not for chicks. It's so hot in the trailers in the summer and freezing in the winter. That's the one that I got. But I have 90 days to hope a better position comes open to be first in line for it instead of going by seniority since I was displaced from my position. Which I doubt will happen, since there were so many people on my shift. So march 13th, I will go back to my shift just not my area. :( At least I will get my weekends back. I have 2 more weeks on the weekend shift, it's ok. I am now starting to get used to getting up at 4 am. But it's only for 3 days. I have no idea what to do with my time on the 4 days off. It's crazy, so it will be nice to get back on my shift. So I just watched the new Twilight movie. Wow, not obsessed about those movies. Plus I am totally team Jasper. I love Alice and Jasper. But that movie is so weird. I haven't read any of the books, I tried the first one, but I just couldn't get into it. Then the last one, I just read the last chapter. Oh-well. At least I'm not totally out of the loop. I might get my braces off next week. I still need to have my surgery, but who knows when that is going to happen. Plus my priorities keep changing. So I'm just not going to worry about it. I'm just tired of getting those horrible canker sores while wearing braces. No fun. Plus making out with braces, that's scary stuff. ;) Anyways, that's whats going on in my life. Fun stuff. lol

Favorite Pictures of 2011

Melinda Lou, playing with my camera.


Me chilling out in the back yard after they ordained Bryce to be a deacon.


One of my ALL time favorite pictures. This lamp was given to my mom as a set from my grandma. Now I use one of them.


What adults do after the kids are done playing with the toys on christmas day. lol


What we Leavitt's do while camping. :)

I read this poem a few years ago. And it's the reason I do most of the things I do, I could do better, but I always think of this poem during every day things.


I don't want God to be ashamed of me. I don't want him to blush when I walk into the room. I don't want Him to point me out to one of the angels and say "Yes, he's one of mine, even though he doesn't act like it."
So I'm glad I don't have to be uncertain to answer to the question, "is God ashamed of me?" The answer is completely under my control. It all depends on whether I consider myself an alien and a stranger in this world and anxiously look forward to heaven. If that is my attitude, then I'll also live like it.....
As children of God, we are citizens of heaven. Earth is no longer our home, we long for heaven.

This just made me laugh......

Only in Utah. :)

Not much going on right now. Just wanted to update my blog background. Life has been crazy. Several people I knew(either by working with, neighbors, family members of people I know) have died in the last 3 months. Several of them suicide.
How can someone's life be so depressing and horrible that they can do that to themselves. As someone who has experienced depression and anxiety, I still can't even fathom doing something like that! I just hope these people's families have the help to get through a loss like that.
Then Jack being in the hospital, the stress and worrying over that, crazy. Luckily he's home and doing good. And Jamesons home and getting better. Annie is going to have her baby soon.
Work has been SUPER busy getting stuff ready to send to the stores for black friday. Luckily for me I have a nice long thanksgiving weekend. Now I need ideas on what to do. :)

Sterling Trip

So a really close friend of mine was diagnosed with bone cancer over the summer, they are like other parents to me, so I went up to visit them in Sterling(up by Manti), they are trying to sell their house so they can move to SLC and be closer for treatments. Before they move I know I am going to go visit again. I love it up there! Because when they move I will have no reason to go up.
I wish I had gotten more pictures, but I can't find my camera and all I had was my phone.
I drove up to my grandma's after work friday- got there around 3:30-4 am, found a dead mouse on the kitchen floor. Slept for a little while, drove up to Richfield, did a little shopping. Drove up to Gunnison, called Barbara, told her I was so busy running errands and going crazy so she wouldn't know I was coming(her husband knew). It was so fun! We hung out that night, visited. Good to catch up.
Sunday, we were so tired, that we didn't get up in time for church, but I did run over to the church to make sure Barbara's husband made it home ok(across the street). Talked to some of the bishopric. One of them knew my uncle Dave.
While Barbara's husband(there are 2 Jim's involved in this story) did his chemo treatment, went to hang out with the other Jim and his horses.

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Jim(and his dog- she is the sweetest dog ever).


Barbara says this is a hens and chicks plant, but it doesn't look like it. But it was really pretty. She had a ton of them.


one of Jim's horses

So after annoying the heck out of Jim for a couple of hours(he is so funny, and really nice to talk to). Went back to my friends, then packed to head back to my grandmas. Stopped in Richfield again to see my aunt Viola, who is the sweetest old lady ever. Got some chinese food, went back to Junction, changed the shower curtain, watched Fast Five, went to bed.
Got up, did a little weeding, picked some apples. Found another dead mouse(whatever they are doing is apparently working to kill them). By then I was like no way am I staying another night. I was planning to stay till tuesday but I just wanted to come home.
So I stopped and visited Bree and Travis for a little while, which was fun!
Stopped in Cedar at Starbucks. And came home!
While I was at my grandma's I went into her bedroom to make sure everything was good, I just had this urge to sit down and cry, I miss her so much. She was such an amazing person. I love that old house.
Anyways, this is such a journal entry. I am totally printing this, since I don't write in my journal! lol!

Sterling, utah

Just quick little post. Its 3:30 am. I'm in Sterling Utah. I fell asleep around 11, which is miracle for me.
Then I woke and now I am wide awake. This trip has been so good for me. I will post more after I get back
Home. Right now I am just on my phone. Now my next feat will be getting up for 9 am church. Lol

My new favorite picture. Taken up on the Northwest Coast. Makes me miss it up there. As soon as I get my jeep paid off I am going to start saving for a trip up there. I already know where I want to go, what I want to do. $2,000 left on the jeep. Better get crackin'. :)

lately...

Not much going on! Super awesome storm today. Back to work. And working a ton of hours, love it.

9/11. Flag during the storm we had today. Loved it.


Family reunion, Melanie and her daughter.


Newly weds!


reading the paper while camping, Ipson thing! lol!


During the storm, we were all out on the front porch.

recent pics

Here are some pictures taken over the last few weeks.

I think this looks like someone got a paintbrush and swiped it across the sky.


The fire from last week. Scary. Bad picture. This was during the backfire. At like 3 am. It was cool! :)


I made a potted herb garden on our front porch, I sprayed water proof stuff on the insides and outside, but apparently for some reason the green one(rosemary) started bubbling up. Looks really cool. It reminds me of a frog. Lol!
Anyways, thats whats been going on lately!!!